Dear Queen Tiye:

I am in the process of divorcing my husband of 15 years. We have two children, a 10 year-old son and an 8 year-old daughter. Without getting into much detail, my husband and I have decided that he would be the better parent at this point in time so he will take physical custody of the children. My family and close friends are appalled at my decision to "give up" my kids. I don't see it as though I am "giving them up," but rather that I am making the best decision for them. I know that I am going to have a difficult time with not having my children, but I plan on being very much involved in their lives. Am I not a better mother for doing what is right for my children versus just thinking of myself?

Sincerely,

Brave Mom

Dear Brave Mom:

I am interested in knowing the details regarding your personal life, as well as your marriage. I believe that the specifics could shed light on how you and your husband came to the decision to divorce and, better yet, decided which one of you would be the primary caretaker for your children. However, since I am not privileged to know such information, I will respond to your question based on the information that you have provided.

In our society we have been socialized to believe that mothers are always the most suitable caretakers but the reality is that fathers are equally capable of caring and nurturing their children. There are many fathers who are caring for their children on a full-time basis or sharing responsibility with the other parent, and these fathers are overlooked because there is more attention given to the "absent" father. Many would argue that "involved" fathers do not receive the credit they deserve. I would argue that all parents, both fathers and mothers, deserve credit because parenting is not easy. However, it is a responsibility that you choose to take on when deciding to have a child.

I am happy to hear that you will continue to be involved with your children, especially if your interactions are positive and beneficial for your children. The decision that you have made is socially stigmatizing, but based on the minimal amount of information that I have, you have chosen to do what is best for your children and not what is socially acceptable. It sounds as though you are willing to take whatever heat may come your way because of your decision, and, if this is so, then, yes, you are a better mother. Mothers and fathers should be equally vested in their children and should work cooperatively to share the child-rearing responsibilities as much as possible when there is a divorce and one person is unable to carry their full load.

Queen Tiye

(POV assumes no responsibility for the answers provided to our readers’ questions by Queen Tiye.)