BULLYING: MORE THAN A VERB

By Magdalena Gómez © 2010

In a recent informal encounter with a stranger, I was chastised for my belief that bullying among our youth must be comprehensively addressed and treated with urgency. The person’s disdainful response was: “Bullying . . . it seems like it has become the latest buzz word. I’m tried of hearing about it. Do you do anything else?” I admit to having been caught up short by the bullying tone of this parent and educator. I babbled a sheepishly truncated response, “There are many things I do with youth that are creative, like theater, dance, music . . .” My response elicited a snapping tone.  “Good! That’s what I like to hear!” momentarily sending me back to the horrors of grammar school, where I refined the ability to make myself invisible when slapped by a mixed message. I did my best to “make nice” and walk away. That brief encounter only magnified my empathy for the vulnerability of our children as the faces of Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover and Phoebe Prince appeared in the emptiness between us. 

       Those who know me as an adult know that I am not easily intimidated, awestruck or impressed. I was, however, stunned by how this initially affable person changed in demeanor at the mention of the need to address bullying. The inability to think critically or the lack of skill to engage in mutually respectful disagreement can instantly escalate into coercion, however nuanced.

       The facts of pervasive bullying speak for themselves, but there must be access to the facts. Beginning with the word itself, as a verb “to bully” is to intimidate, domineer. As an adjective, it means splendid or excellent, as in “bully for you!” In the oldest sense, bully is derived from the Dutch, “boel,” meaning “brother, lover” and applied to either sex. It has long strayed from its original meaning, as humanity has strayed from its original innocence. Bullying (the verb) is a learned behavior that to be prevented must first be acknowledged.

       In recent days, we have heard a great deal about how parents and educators might recognize the signs that a child is being bullied. It is equally important for all of us, regardless of our position in society, whether we have biological children or not, to also be aware and present to the signs that a child (even one’s own) may be a bully or have bullying tendencies. This requires intentional self-examination as well, and a distancing from ego, where we ask ourselves what behaviors are we modeling for our children?

       We cannot just blame schools, popular culture, cyberspace, and mass media as the breeding grounds of violence in children. It is non-productive to seek scapegoats. Accountability, yes, excuses or objects of blame, no. We must look at ourselves and what we model for our children with our choice of words; cultivate a knowing that what we say is as significant as what we don’t say; manage our tone, inflections, body language, gestural and facial nuances. A child’s self-esteem can be shriveled by a look of disdain; even if it is the sun in your eyes making you scowl, a young child may not be able to make that connection. Think about how many fights begin with “What are you looking at?!” 

       It is imperative that we encourage parents, educators and families in learning what types of behaviors are developmentally appropriate in our children, and support them in learning the skills to interact with children at different stages of growth. Children are not born with assembly and care manuals, and parents are not inherently granted parenting skills. If the latter were true, violence would not bleed through generations or replicate in cycles. 

       I encourage all of us to be self-vigilant in the presence of our young ones and all of our human interactions. We should be as self-aware in all of our encounters as we were the first time we fell in love and wanted to find ourselves in the embrace of the beloved without the manipulative persona, but with an open heart and mind that says “I’m here and fully present to you, to this moment.” We need to be more keenly aware of our mortality, becoming slower to anger, more willing to enter the journey of forgiveness, and allow the infusion of true remorse in place of ego-centric guilt when we are culpable.  

       Let’s restore “bully” to its etymological origin, and deflate the verb. Each one, teach oneself.  n