“No” is one of
the shortest yet most powerful words in our
vocabulary. It’s one of the first words we hear as
an infant when our parents try to keep us from harm,
and we hear it everyday until the day we die. Then
why is it so hard to hear?
The last few weeks have put me in a position to say
“no” quite often. And while the “no’s” don’t put me
on any popularity list, they are based on fact, not
feeling. So after reflection and contemplation, I
was compelled to talk to you about policy and
process, so please bear with me. But let’s talk
about this word “no” for a minute.
Children learn the meaning of limits based on what
parents say and how they follow up. The child who is
told “no” and whines and pleads until parents
acquiesce, is a child who is learning that the
meaning of “no” is, in fact, “keep asking.”...
However, it is important to establish a firm “no,”
backed by rules that were established (e.g.
yes, you can go out as soon as your
homework is done or yes, we can
consider changing your child’s school once he/she
demonstrates compliance with the contract they
signed regarding improving their attendance and/or
grades).
The reality is that no one likes to hear “no,” but
when the answer is based on established rules or
policies, it should be easier. Somewhere along the
way “no” got a bad reputation. We’ve come to think
that “no” is exclusionary, rather than inclusive.
Last month we talked about looking in the mirror vs.
looking out the window. Understanding and following
process is about looking in the mirror—getting real
about why the answer is “no.” Doing this
affords opportunities to work together for positive
resolutions—paying close attention, however, that
positive resolution does not necessarily mean
it’s going to be what we want to hear, but it
should always be based on facts, policies or
processes that govern how we, fairly and equitably,
solve the problem.
Policies in place, consistently implemented, keep us
honest. When followed, policies make the course of
action (process) equitable for all. It is not a
favor being asked. It is not speculation. It is not
questionable. It is not a threat. It’s clear, simple
and fair.
Our rebellious streaks often lead to unhappy
outcomes by confusing “unhappy” with “unfair,” when,
in essence, we are unhappy because we didn’t get
what we wanted. It’s not about us, though. We must
stop letting our emotions get the best of us and
keep our students first!
In closing, let’s remember that every rule has an
exception, but the exception should not be the rule!
In short, we tend to think that our situation or
problem is unique. Is it really? Most often we just
have a hard time hearing “no” and divert our energy
trying to prove our point instead of concentrating
on what to positively and constructively do, since
the answer is “no.”
THANKS!