“No” is one of the shortest yet most powerful words in our vocabulary. It’s one of the first words we hear as an infant when our parents try to keep us from harm, and we hear it everyday until the day we die. Then why is it so hard to hear?

       The last few weeks have put me in a position to say “no” quite often. And while the “no’s” don’t put me on any popularity list, they are based on fact, not feeling. So after reflection and contemplation, I was compelled to talk to you about policy and process, so please bear with me. But let’s talk about this word “no” for a minute.

       Children learn the meaning of limits based on what parents say and how they follow up. The child who is told “no” and whines and pleads until parents acquiesce, is a child who is learning that the meaning of “no” is, in fact, “keep asking.”... However, it is important to establish a firm “no,” backed by rules that were established (e.g. yes, you can go out as soon as your homework is done or yes, we can consider changing your child’s school once he/she demonstrates compliance with the contract they signed regarding improving their attendance and/or grades). 

       The reality is that no one likes to hear “no,” but when the answer is based on established rules or policies, it should be easier. Somewhere along the way “no” got a bad reputation. We’ve come to think that “no” is exclusionary, rather than inclusive. Last month we talked about looking in the mirror vs. looking out the window. Understanding and following process is about looking in the mirror—getting real about why the answer is “no.” Doing this affords opportunities to work together for positive resolutions—paying close attention, however, that positive resolution does not necessarily mean it’s going to be what we want to hear, but it should always be based on facts, policies or processes that govern how we, fairly and equitably, solve the problem.

       Policies in place, consistently implemented, keep us honest. When followed, policies make the course of action (process) equitable for all. It is not a favor being asked. It is not speculation. It is not questionable. It is not a threat. It’s clear, simple and fair. 

       Our rebellious streaks often lead to unhappy outcomes by confusing “unhappy” with “unfair,” when, in essence, we are unhappy because we didn’t get what we wanted. It’s not about us, though. We must stop letting our emotions get the best of us and keep our students first!

       In closing, let’s remember that every rule has an exception, but the exception should not be the rule! In short, we tend to think that our situation or problem is unique. Is it really? Most often we just have a hard time hearing “no” and divert our energy trying to prove our point instead of concentrating on what to positively and constructively do, since the answer is “no.”

       THANKS!