Dear Queen Tiye:

I find myself in quite a dilemma. While my 19-year-old daughter was home visiting from college, I inadvertently found out that she has piercings and tattoos on parts of her body that I prefer not to mention. I am very upset with her choices because it appears as though she does not see the long-term effects of such actions and feels she can do what she likes since she is an “adult.”

       I know that my husband will be more upset than I am about our daughter’s decisions. My daughter is not willing to tell her father. I am fearful that when my husband does find out, he will be upset with me for not sharing such information. As much as I would like to tell my husband, I feel it is my daughter’s responsibility to tell her father, and, after all, she is an adult.

 

Sincerely,

“What to do?”

   

Dear “What to do?”

I sympathize with your current predicament and understand how difficult it must be to feel as though you are caught in the middle. However, your daughter is an adult and has the right to share or not share such information with her father. On the other hand, I don’t think there is anything wrong with you telling your husband and you should be clear with your daughter that you plan on informing him since she is not. If you don’t, there is a strong possibility that this situation could “snowball” into unnecessary conflict for the family as a whole. 

       If you decide to tell your husband, be sure that you both discuss how the two of you as a unit can address your daughter and her decisions. If you don’t tell him, be prepared to explain why you chose not to because he will find out eventually.